


The Grey Area

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Anal Sex, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, No Curse, Parabatai, Sligthly Dark, Unhealthy Relationships, but they come around, parabatai love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:47:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26082157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: "Alec feels that Jace has come undone around the edges, that they have become blurry and fuzzy. He knows this is why Jace is here. This is also why Alec lets himself be kissed, ignoring the strain in his neck. He opens his lips to let Jace in as he will later let Jace into his body and soul, into this last corner of himself that is shaped more like Jace than himself."Alec wonders what love is. Is it love when you say yes but should say no? Is it love when you never say yes when it truly matters? Neither Alec nor Jace can tell, but they will be pushed to a point where there is no going back, where they have to decide if they want to say yes or no.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	The Grey Area

**Author's Note:**

> There is no Parabatai curse in this story.

The Grey Area

When the door to Alec's room slides open Alec knows it is one of those nights. He feels Jace more than he sees him. It is pitch black in his room and well past midnight. But neither switches on the light, they don't need it. Not for what they are about to do.

Jace closes the door and applies a silencing rune before he strolls over to Alec's bed. Without making a sound he slips in it beside Alec. Jace smiles. He always smiles in those nights. A dark smile, a lost smile, a smile that desperately tries to reach his eyes but never does. 

Jace's hands find Alec's hair and they tilt his head until it is in the perfect angle for Jace to kiss. The tilt hurts but Alec doesn't let out a hiss. Jace tastes like blood. He usually tastes like that in those nights when he slips in Alec's room like a thief into a vault. Blood or alcohol and Alec really can't tell what is worse. The combination maybe. 

But tonight Alec can tell that Jace has killed. The way he moves, the way his hands try to rub themselves clean, the way his breathing is ragged are all clear signs. Besides, Alec feels it. He feels that Jace has come undone around the edges, that they have become blurry and fuzzy. He knows this is why Jace is here. This is also why Alec lets himself be kissed, ignoring the strain in his neck. He opens his lips to let Jace in as he will later let Jace into his body and soul, into this last corner of himself that is shaped more like Jace than himself.

Exploring hands roam over his body, scratching, scrubbing, taking possession and Alec opens himself a little more. When the hands become pushy and he hears Jace's whispered "I want you", he rolls over on his belly. He lifts his hips to help Jace get rid of his sleeping pants and keeps his hips up, pushed towards the ceiling to grant Jace the access he wants. 

Familiar fingers circle his entrance before they push in, demanding and wanting. Alec grips the sheets tighter and buries his head in the pillow to steady himself. The fingers are impatient and a little rough, they open him, but not enough. When Jace's cock pushes fully into him, it is too soon. It burns as he is not ready to accommodate Jace but again, Alec doesn't hiss or flinch. Instead he moans and pushes back when Jace starts to thrust into him until Jace's edges become solid again while he comes deep inside Alec in a spot only he can reach. 

Jace kisses his nape before he pulls out and collapses next to him, his lips on Alec's neck and ear. 

"I need you," Jace whispers while next to them the night turns from black to grey to blue.

Alec closes his eyes and kisses Jace back. Of course he needs him. Wants him. He knows Jace means those words, he does want him, he does need him. But Alec wants Jace to love him. But he never says anything, not that he wants, needs to hear it, not that he does himself. Instead he kisses Jace until they both fall asleep.

Alec awakes to tender fingers that explore his body, fingers that massage and caress. He awakes to lips that kiss and suck and bite and make him tingle all over. When these lips and fingers find his hole he groans silently. He is still sore from last night but he doesn't say no. He can't say no to Jace, not when he is so soft and gentle and solid, not when he is rough and needy and about to fade away. Alec never says no. And maybe this is part of the problem but he can't think of that now, not when Jace pushes inside of him while his lips kiss his own and he is stretched again impossible wide, his inner walls still sensitive and still shaped like Jace. 

***

Alec hates this. He hates that Jace puts the girl first, he hates that Jace puts him second again and again. Alec is used to Jace chasing girls, to Jace fucking girls and he couldn't care less, as he has come always first. Always, until now. Alec doesn't know if Jace does it deliberately or not, and for once he doesn't care either way. 

But he jumps on the next possibility to show Jace that he can do the same. He sees the way the warlock eyes him and he knows what he sees. A shy, insecure boy, an easy prey for an experienced man. And Alec knows how to play that part. He knows how to stutter, how to blush as if he is the innocent boy all want him to be, though Jace fucked all innocence out of him ages ago.

He smirks inwardly while outwardly a tentative smile plays around his lips when he sees Magnus get caught in his net of blushes and gulps. He cannot help but deepen the smirk when he sees Jace's eyes darken and a wave of jealousy hits him through the bond. But Alec doesn't care, not when Jace has fucked his way to Idris and back and Magnus just wants a young lover to control and flatter his ego. So he takes this just for himself, just this once. It feels good to make both men speechless when he leaves after one night, Magnus because he believed to call the shots, Jace because he thought Alec would always put him first.

Alec knows they have to stop. Or they have to start. But he just cannot do the dance of unsaid nos and desired yet unspoken yes' anymore. He just can't. But he doesn't know how to change, how to make Jace say yes and himself say no.

***

When Jace is gone and Alec cannot find him, not by tracking, not through their bond, he doesn't hesitate. Jace has been blurry for the last few days and he cannot stand the thought of Jace being lost. So no matter the cost for him, he tries to track him through an adamas stone. The pain is sharp and intense before he slips into unconsciousness. The darkness is pitch black and Alec feels nothing. From time to time there is the ghost of a touch, the hint of an emotion but before he can get a grip on it, it all slips away and the darkness is blacker than before. 

Alec tastes salt and it startles him. He licks over his lips and the more he tastes, the more his mind switches from black to grey to blue. He blinks his eyes open and there is Jace. He lies by his side, one arm slung around his waist protectively. And he cries. Tears fall down his cheeks and they fall on Alec's face in an endless stream of life. Jace, who hasn't cried since he confessed his father's abuse to Alec, cries. Openly, shamelessly. The last time he cried the tears were tears of anger, tears of rage. This time they are different, Alec can tell. But he doesn't know if this is enough. 

"Alec, I.." Jace's voice breaks and the tears that have stopped start to fall again. Alec is sure that if Jace tells him he wants him, he needs him, he will break something. Jace. Himself. Probably both of them.

"Alec, I love you." This time Jace doesn't break or fade, he is more solid than he has been in days. 

They stare at each other, silently. 

"No more." Alec whispers and Jace just nods in agreement. No more girls, no warlocks, no moans that should be hisses, no unsaid nos and silent yes'. Because this is love now. Probably always has been, but now it was said and in the open.

"I love you too."

This really is love. It has to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are loved ❤


End file.
